Alright folks, we have a few nice weeks but it looks like we have some snow coming. I mean, it is February for fucks sake. There are three things that are 100% going to happen if you live in the Midwest, actually the Chicagoland area to be precise. The Bears won’t be in the playoffs, you’re bitching about wanting July back and it’s going to snow. It happens every year and every damn year it’s the same story, PEOPLE CANT DRIVE!
Living in the area my entire life i’ve learned to identify and categorize three types of winter drivers. Hold on, figuring out how to spell categorize made my head hurt. Where was I? Oh yeah, group number one. I call them The Dale Earnhardts. These are the people that pass the other two groups. Zipping around like they’ve got all the places to be and no time to get there. Even though there is snow stacked up higher than their IQ on the roads nothing is coming in between them and the sale on Mountain Dew down there at the ole wally world. You can easily spot these Dale’s by following their tire marks right into a ditch, or telephone pole, or trailer park.
Driver two, we’re throwing it back to your childhood. These are the Flintstones, and no i’m not talking gummies. Man i’m hungry. These are the people taking their sweet yaba daba damn time getting where they need to go. White knuckling the steering wheel and topping out at a blazing 15mph. Yeah sure they’re being safe but if you get stuck behind a Flintstone there’s a high chance it will turn you into an Earnhardt. Don’t be a Flintstone and stay home. Your high tech IT job at the local Best Buy will be there in the morning. Keep the Prius safe and stay out of the way.
The third group if you haven’t guessed it by now are the inbetweeners, formally known as “Intelligent”. This isn’t their first rodeo. They know that mother nature didn’t magically drop her snow globe on the road. It’s winter, it happens every year…well maybe not for the Polar Bears, shout out to Global Warming. These are the people leaving early, driving just slightly under the speed limit and tweeting their rage about the other idiots on the road. The world needs more inbetweeners, so take off the student driver sticker and leave the Need for Speed for at home at. But most importantly, LEARN HOW TO DRIVE.